This is not a three-prong distaster

Where I've been for the past few weeks

I haven’t written a personal, behind the scenes post for a while because I’ve been moving through some things lately. Some will call it a Manifestor rest phase, others will call it depression - but I just consider it a natural part of my cycle of emotional highs and lows that will forever continue to support me through my expansion.

It is not my intention to hide the lows from you, I know that allowing you to witness me in my imperfection helps you accept yourself in your own. But when I’m in a low, I want to hide. I don’t want to be perceived, I don’t want to interact, I don’t want to give anyone anything to respond to. I just want to be, to go inward and feel my way through whatever part of the human experience I’m moving through at the moment.

This low hits every year around my birthday. I’ll be sharing more about why this is in the first episode of Season 3 of the 10th House Astrology Podcast, which got delayed because I haven’t been able to bring myself to record until now. But I’m sharing a small piece of the story because it will help articulate something that I think is important for you to hear - it’s been rough out there lately. And sometimes putting on a smile and fighting your way through it just isn’t the way forward.

Sometimes you really just have to feel through what you’ve been avoiding.

Anyway, here’s what happened.

The (Near) Three Prong Disaster

If you read my blue feather post, you’ll know the “tower moment” predicted by my tarot reading ended up being my central AC dying right before the heat wave hit in the US. After the initial panic, I put on the happy face and trusted the universe to help me find a solution - and I did. I had been eyeing up these modern, energy efficient window units that I saw on Instagram, and so instead of spending $8K to replace my central air, I pulled a fraction of that out of my “emergency fund” to purchase three of those units. I thought not only would they be less of a financial strain, but would also offer a way to use less energy, since my little townhouse is pretty sectioned off and there would be no need to pump air into the rooms we weren’t using.

Side story: I’ve since renamed my Emergency Fund “Extra Love”, so that instead of the universe creating “emergencies” to get that money flowing, I can use it for whatever is calling for a little extra love. The house, my car (which broke down a few days after the AC LOL), my dogs, my partner, etc. I recommend trying this, it feels so much better than waiting for an emergency and it makes the money happier, too.

Anyway, the window units were delivered just in time, the afternoon before we were supposed to have our first really hot day. *Diving timing* I thought to myself, taking it as a sign that I had made a good decision. I was riding a high, excited for this little new chapter for our home and proud I had found such a perfect solution.

But as my boyfriend lugged the boxes inside, I started to feel a little nervous. These boxes were BIG… and the only windows we have on the first floor are narrower than the standard. As I unpacked a box, I read the installation guide and decided to measure the window for a third time before opening all the packaging.

Then panic hit me like a punch in the gut when I realized my original measurements did not capture the narrowest part of the window. And based on my new measurement, the unit would not fit.

I felt embarrassed that I had measured wrong, shame that I was “too cheap” to replace the whole central air unit, and fear that we were about to bake in this heatwave, all balled up into one big emotion.

And from there, I spiraled. It wasn’t about a unit not fitting in the window anymore.

It became about my delusional faith and belief that everything will work out.

If I was wrong about something so minor, what If I’m wrong about everything else that I’ve been working towards? What if it is actually insane to think that I’ll be able to make this business sustainable? What if I’m delusional about my own skills and abilities and everything I’ve accomplished so far has been a complete fluke? What if I can’t support my family? What if I had been living in a fantasy world am I’m actually a major fucking joke that no one takes seriously, and it’s only a matter of time before I’m rejected, abandoned, and left alone?

Yes, all that from getting a measurement wrong by 2 inches.

My triple fire-sign boyfriend sometimes does not know what to do with my triple-water-sign emotions, and so he lovingly just sat with me as they exploded out of me and patiently waited for the wave to pass to offer support.

As I calmed down, I started to explain to him one sentence at a time between getting choked up again that my breakdown had nothing to do with air conditioning, but it’s triggered me to doubt everything I had been putting my faith in.

“If I was wrong about this, what if I’m wrong about everything?”

I’d like to clear up the misconception that only spiritual people are worthy of being partners with other spiritual people. The grounded practicality of my atheist boyfriend has helped me evolve more than any “spiritual” person has. I believe the more tapped in we are to higher consciousness, the more important it is to have someone who can hold the string to our balloon and help us find our way back home when we get lost in the vastness of the universe.

“Ok,” he said. “This is not a three-prong disaster. One of three units won’t fit, so we’ll find another solution. The other two will, so there’s no need to abandon the whole plan. This unit nothing to do with the other two, just like it has nothing to do with everything else you’ve been working towards. [+ additional words of encouragement that I would like to keep to myself]”

The point is - sometimes I get so stuck in finding the connection between all that is, that I become hyper-focused on the connection and begin to mistake it as relation. I see signs in EVERYTHING and lose the ability to discern between what is intuition and what is fear.

It’s hard to be in the spiritual industry sometimes. There’s this expectation that we have it all together, we trust the universe so deeply and are guided so strongly that any moment of failure becomes a threat to our credibility or reputation as a professional.

But we are here because above all else, we wanted to experience what it was like to be human. And to be human is to fuck up. To be human is to overreact. To be human is to sometimes take things at face value without needing it to mean something bigger.

I offer this story to you in case you have found yourself in a spiral lately. In case you have experienced disappointment of something that you were SO sure of not working out and it made you question everything you’re doing. In case you’ve been wrestling with massive feelings of self doubt but have been afraid to show it because people look up to you.

I’m not going to attempt to give you the answer, because your answer will be unique to your experience, and the experience of finding the answer is the whole point.

I just want you to know that I see you, I love you and you are never, ever alone.

Here’s to embracing the beauty in the breakdown, and the breakthrough that follows.

I love you so much,

Marissa

PS - Plot twist, in the end, it all worked out anyway… the widest part of the unit did not actually need to go through the narrowest part of the window. So this was a zero prong disaster to help pull my residual fear and doubt to the surface so that I could learn to move through it. Everything really is conspiring in our favor, even if it takes some time for it to all make sense.